The Twilight Of My Life

Blood thirsty Vampire or Middle Aged "Meanie" ?

The persistent pounding of my heart was so loud, I was certain the other moviegoers would hear it and complain. I felt little beads of sweat beginning to form on my forehead. I tried to regain composure and rid myself of the irrational thoughts that had made their way into my mind.

"Just keep watching the movie. This has to be a mistake!"

But it wasn't a mistake. Just as sure as I was sitting there, eating Sour Patch Kids by the pound, her cold, steely eyes were staring back at me. I had seen this look before, very recently in fact. But where??

Nagging pangs of recognition lead my frightened gaze to the images in the film in front of me. I gasped as the figures on the screen seemed to mirror back her cold, dead stare, confirming my deepest fears.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Kara has been one of my dearest friends since those gawky, carefree days of High School. Our history of inside jokes is so extensive, that we need only to look at one another for a fit of giggles to come rolling out. Seemingly ordinary words like "pickle" and "galleria" have the ability to make us lose all control of our bladders. It is because of this history that we get together whenever possible to reminisce and laugh until Diet Coke sprays out of our noses.

Over the holidays, we made plans to meet for dinner and catch up on each other's lives. Our feast was filled with good food and much laughter. As the meal was coming to a close, somehow the subject of the Twilight movie was brought up. (When I say "somehow", picture an appalled Kara leaping forward in her seat- pieces of her BBQ chicken salad flying everywhere- screaming "You haven't seen it yet!?!) My Kara is quite the fan of the Twilight. (When I say "fan" picture her sitting on her "I heart Vampires" bedspread, wearing her "Bite Me.....Please" pajamas, and doodling "Mrs. Edward Cullen" in her diary while drawing fake vampire bites on her neck with washable markers.) We agreed that she should be the one to initiate me into the world of vampires on the big screen. Luckily I had read the books, thanks to the generosity of another #1 fan, so the story was not foreign to me. Although, I did have some doubt as to whether Kara would be able to follow along, seeing as how she had only seen the movie s.i.x. t.i.m.e.s. (I don't think I have watched my children's birth videos that much.)

After purchasing our tickets with a "student discount" (What? I can pass for a student. If I cover the picture w/ my thumb and wiggle the card so the cashier's eyes can't focus) we settled excitedly into our seats. Kara educated me on some little known movie facts ("That vampire does his own stunt work!") as the theatre began to fill up.

The lights dimmed. Kara squealed. It was Twilight time.

We were about a third of the way into the movie. I was actually enjoying my first experience with these ghostly pale teens who *really* enjoy their eyeliner. And then it happened. The woman in front of us answered her cell phone. I felt myself tense up as I glanced at Kara.

You should know something about my sweet Kara. Whereas I cry and wet myself at the thought of confrontation, she undergoes a "Hulk-like" transformation from a pretty, blonde all-American girl, to a tough as nails, strong willed woman, who doesn't back down. I have been in numerous situations with her as she heroically stood her ground against many a discourteous bully. (You can usually find me a few feet back....... in the fetal position.......rocking back and forth......... singing "If you're happy and you know it".) And so I was nervous, because a woman rudely chatting away on her cell phone in the middle of a movie is just the thing to get Kara revved up and ready to defend our fellow patrons of the theatre.

At first the women spoke softly, to where it almost sounded like a constant hum under the actors' dialogue.

Kara shifted in her seat.

Then, our friend's volume increased ever so slightly so that we could make out actual words.

Kara cleared her throat.

Finally, our chatty chum forgot her "inside voice".

"Shhhhhhhhh!!"

I didn't have to see it to know who had been the "shusher". After all, everyone has their limits and this lady was messing with Kara's seventh viewing of vampire love. I slumped down in my seat, hoping the "cell lady" would take Kara's "Shhh" as the gentle reminder it was and let us all get back to enjoying the movie.

No such luck.

Instead, this middle aged woman began speaking louder-almost a shout-as if she was challenging the "Shhh" and raising it one "See if I care". This only infuriated Kara, who then leaned over the empty seat in front of us, glared at the side of "cell lady's" head and whispered "So rude!" I buried my face into my hands and waited for the impending response.

Which leads me to the nightmare I described at the beginning of this story.

The woman promptly hung up her phone, whipped around in her seat, and looked right at........ME! (If you have seen Twilight, than you will understand the "look" that I received from her, the same look the Vampires give to........well, everyone. It was a cross between smelling something really foul and wanting to kill me with her bare hands.) I kept my eyes on the screen while she kept her hardened gaze fixed right. on. me. (gulp!)

I played out a million scenarios in my head, all of which ended with this women, who was old enough to be my mother, making me bleed and cry. She was wearing a fringed leather jacket, for Pete's sake, so you know she meant business! I located each of the exits and calculated which would be the quickest escape. I racked my brain for any self defense moves I might have picked up along the way, but could only recall an ancient 90210 episode where Brenda and Donna learned to punch the air and scream "No!".

I was so busy having a panic attack that I didn't notice that the woman and her companion had begun to leave.

Oh happy day! Maybe it was all a misunderstanding! Maybe we had met before and she was trying to remember my name. (Although, I would have remembered that jacket. ) Maybe she thought the movie was scary and had to turn around until the scene had ended. Either way, she was leaving and I still had all of my body parts in their original positions.

I let out all of the air I had been holding in and turned to my fearless friend, who found this whole situation quite humorous.

"What just happened?!" I giggled. "You just couldn't resist, could you Kara?" This set off a fit of laughter as we watched "cell lady" disappear behind the walkway.

Until she heard us laugh.

Everything happened in slow motion, as this woman ran full speed back up the ramp shouting and waving her fists, "Are they laughing at me?! They can't laugh at me! I'll kill them!" or something to that effect. I'm not exactly sure what happened after this because I was too busy searching for a popcorn bag to breathe into. Thankfully, her companion, who was obviously accustomed to her outbursts, pulled her away by that darling jacket and pushed her out of the door.

We enjoyed the rest of the movie in relative peace. Well, after Kara gave me CPR, that is.

When Kara got home that night, she discovered that her hubcaps had been stolen. We think our phone obsessed friend was exacting her revenge.

Legend has it that a fringed, leather jacket was found beside the car.......